I Can't Make Pancakes!

I don't tweet. I'm sure if someone showed me how I would but I refuse to be taught, this same philosophy led me to the inability to make pancakes at the age of thirty-one, instead I just say I don't like pancakes even though I really do enjoy them occasionally.  Instead I go French Toast or maybe Waffles. So no pancakes, no tweeting.

I rarely post on facebook.  My wife does under my name, meaning I sometimes discuss how cute a baby is or how much I love the flowers at a wedding - and even though I do agree in the cuteness of said baby or the validity of yes those are flowers and yes they are at a wedding, I just don't post. I usually plan on doing it then get suckered into a battle on words with friends.

I have written a few first chapters of novels.  They all usually start after I finished reading a good book and end with me googling how to write a novel for dummies.  I stop shortly after the paragraph that discusses how much prep time it takes before you even start writing the novel.  I don't want to prep, I have a character that is the captain of his basketball team yet he also is a rock star, he's funny, has a british accent that sometimes sounds Australian and he needs to solve some type of crime, or win some type of big game, or rob a bank, or travel the world, or... I'm bored and on page four, back to reality TV and eating wheat thins, this author needs a break.

I wrote one screenplay and a few TV pilots.  These have been used for nothing more than an occasional trial to see if any of my friends have potential to become actors.  The screenplay was a good idea, but not funny.  The pilot was funny, but not a good idea.  I wrote some Specs, that's what the people in the Biz write, or so they say on Google when you google, how to break into the TV writing industry NOW with no prep time, or schooling, or any knowledge or skill. 

I wrote many songs.  Some meaningful.  Some memorable.  The most memorable are about fried food and lesbians.  Not in the same song, that would be crazy, I'm not that good.  I have played these songs in three countries, a half a dozen states, and many bars around the island.  None of which booked or payed me.  Just places I have been at where the three key elements all aligned.  1.) I had more than enough Bud Lights.  2.) Someone had a guitar and a microphone.  3.) My friends were there... All of these encounters started the same.  Person with guitar would say no.  I would say please.  Guitar no.  My friends please.  Guitar guy pissed off and realizing that my friends are persistent would reluctantly say yes.  I would play fried food song.  Guitar Guy, now best friends with my friends, would say please play one more.  I would play lesbian song.  Guitar guy happy. Friends happy.  I'm happy.  Gig over. 

But as life happens and bud lights slowly turn into bottled milk these gigs are becoming more spaced out so I needed a new outlet for my random need to fulfill my college minor, English.  (Side Note: My major was Television Production and I am now currently a Math teacher, so my writing like my life, is a little all over the place.)  So here it is, my first Blog.  Or at least the first chapter of my blogging life.  This fad will probably end soon, maybe when someone teaches me how to tweet, or make pancakes, but for now I hope you enjoy what I write, when I write, and I will do my best to include fast food and/or lesbians in each blog since I know that's what you guys are into.

Thanks for Listening to Lumpy!